Coming from a home where I had my fair share of step-dads, one of whom was very abusive, I was able to connect with the authors of the text in this section. Over and over we hear that most abusers have been abused. In my family this is not the case, when I chose to become a parent my husband and I had discussed what we felt were proper discipline techniques. I had to work very hard to not become the parent I had known. In fact, when my coliky daughter was about 1 month old I'd had enough of the crying and I was tired too, I placed her in her car seat in the crib where I knew she was safe, I shut the door and took a "time-out" before I became too agitated or frustrated that I couldn't deal properly. This was the first of many "Mommy time-outs" I have taken throughout the years. When my son was about 5 I took one of my now famous "time-outs" when I came out he was telling my 7 year-old daughter "Mom is ok she just doesn't want to say bad words that's why she's in time-out". I think my kids adapted to mommy's timeouts very well! :)
I have seen the effects of abuse first hand. However when it comes to a child you love it seems to hurt more than ever. Reading through the Effects of Abuse on Children in the text I found these to be some of the effects: social and emotional development disrution, poor relationships with peers, lower grades in school, lower scores on standardized achievement tests. The good news is that I have also seen resiliency and repair of some of these issues in my own home. When my niece came to us at age 9 she was very aggressive, was not passing many of her classes in 4th grade, and had failed the WASL. Looking back it makes me so sad, but to see the growth she has had in these 4 short years really makes me smile. She is now in 8th grade getting all A's or B's, last year she passed all of the standardized testing with at least average scores, and she hasn't had an outburst of aggression for a really long time! :) Through counseling sessions and many discussions at home we have been able to fill her tool box with appropriate tools for the feelings she is having.
I feel like mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse even though it doesn't leave physical marks, it leaves lasting emotional marks. When CPS "checks" on a situation or takes a report it seems they don't take into account the emotional abuse that may be going on in a household. If a child is fed and clean there is no issue. As we well know just because a child is fed and clean doesn't mean they are safe. Many abusers tell their victims that if they tell anyone what is going on they will be "sorry". I have seen this in my younger niece CPS has had 4 or 5 open cases with her she would never talk about what happened at home, now that she is older she is slowly talking about what had gone on.
I feel that as a society we need to have good role models in parenting, remember to give support and teach parenting skills to parents who may need help, and we need to absolutely not tolerate any type of abuse.
“Mommy time outs” aren't necessarily a bad thing, when used in moderation. Every parent has their limit, and it's what you do with those frustrations that matter. Obviously it isn't every day that you are near your breaking point with your children, and overall you have a good warm loving focus on what you want from them. I remember when I was 3 years old I was being a brat and my mom, pushed to her limit, decided to throw me out the front door in the snowbank, shutting the door behind her. (Keeping in mind I was in my underwear and it was a winter in Wisconsin.)
ReplyDeleteSure, that sounds abusive, and kind of terrible, but it wasn't. Because that's not what I remember from her (those fuse blown moments that rarely happen) I remembered how in general she was a warm and loving mother. I've been discussing this concept with other students—that parents often practice all the different types of parenting one way or another, but it's what you fall back onto and are consistent with is what matters.
It's interesting that in Sweden spanking is against the law, and children can report their parents to the police. I would have to agree in this strategy on parenting. I never was spanked, and never saw the value in it. But I suppose, just like the statistic that at least one third of abused parents with abuse their children. Maybe they carry the mentality that “I was spanked, and I turned out okay, so I can do it to my kids.” Most likely the only reason I don't agree with spanking is because my parents never did that to me.
My father came from an abusive household. He was beaten, neglected, ridiculed and generally tormented by his parents. He would disappear for days and his parents wouldn't even notice. When he wet the bed his parents forced him to wear a sign on his back saying “bed wetter”. When he got too old for his teddy bear, his parents made him burn it, and they watched. His environment was dirty and unkempt, dirty dishes stacked to the ceiling, and was inconsistently fed. His mother would give un-triggered beatings with vacuum cleaner cords, for really nothing at all. (If she was just in a bad mood.)
But he wasn't physically abusive. He was emotionally. Even when I was 15 years old, he would tell me how horrible of a son I was because I “didn't love him like he deserved”. He would constantly remind us how lucky we were for him not doing all the terrible things to us that happened to him when he was a kid. Essentially he just checked out of the dad position, left us, and I haven't seen him in 6 years.
My story isn't bad by any degree compared to what some people have to go through. But it just shows how easy it is to be abusive in a family unit. Overall I had a good childhood, and yes, I was grateful that I was never beaten or tormented like a lot of children are. But it just goes to show that it's hard to break the “abusive cycle” even if it's in a smaller and less violent degree.
I agree with you that it is very difficult to break the cycle! I work on it every day. Most of my parenting is very thoroughly thought through and acted upon rather than having knee jerk reactions. I am so glad to hear that as an adult you understand that abuse is abuse physical or mental. I am sure that when you decide to have children you will also make a conscience effort to "break the cycle"! :)
DeleteI think the mommy time-outs are a great idea. Of course, moderation (it's not like taking off for an hour), but it probably also teaches your kids patience as well, and maybe how to control their own anger.
ReplyDeleteEric makes a good point in that is can be easy to be abusive in a family unit. You are in your truest comfort zone, no faces are on, and no filters. I remember the things I used to say to my little sister to boss her around...I wouldn't consider it abuse, but certainly not nice things. Kids can be mean too. I can see how it could be dificult to break the "abusive cycle" but it sounds like Sarah is doing a great job. My mother was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused as a child, and I've never seen, felt, or heard anything anywhere even close to abuse come out of her. She's the kindest most loving thing I know, and it goes to show how people can take awful experiences, turn them around, and try to help others through them.
I should have clarified my "mommy time-outs" last for 5 minutes, so I can have a breather and really think about what I am going to say when I come out rather than saying something I might regret later. I am really glad to hear of another cycle broken with your mom's parenting, that is so fantastic!
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